Infertility

I've tried a million times to put into words exactly how I feel about our infertility. Finally for the first time, someone has said it perfectly for me. I know there are many women (and husbands) out there who struggle with similar issues, my heart goes out to you. This is a never-ending trial and best thing I know to do is try to stay positive, happy, and grateful for what I DO have.... even when I want to be mad, bitter, angry, jealous, and just plain sad and depressed. Infertility doesn't just go away, even when you have babies by some other means than creating them yourself. Infertility starts to define you and who you are as a person, every, single, day, of your existence. I can honestly say that there is NOT one single day that goes by that I don't think about getting pregnant, being pregnant, or having a baby. I'm pretty sure my entire life will be like that.  It goes against every fiber of my being to not know why my body isn't working, when it's done it before! It drives me absolutely crazy. 

 Don't get me wrong.... I'm not trying to sound pitiful. Just having one of those days.......

We are SO blessed, and I have an indescribable joy being a mother to my beautiful boys. I love every minute of it. Families are created in all sorts of ways and for that I'm grateful. We are so lucky, we have what many other couples do not. I am so grateful that I have had the experience of both, adopting and having a biological child. What a blessing and a miracle!

Love this article, I've tried to express these feelings to so many people, and she says it wonderfully. Hope you enjoy! Here's the link in case you're curious! 

A View of Birth from an Infertile Womb by Mariah Wickham

January 25, 2012

 

Heart-in-hand gloves by Yastik izi.

I gave birth 7 1/2 years ago. It was an ordinary labor and delivery, free of complications. Because it was my first, the 10 hours it took from start to finish felt average and acceptable. My boy came screaming into this world weighing 8 lbs. 7 oz at 10:14 am. My husband and I beamed from ear to ear, but no different than other first time parents I’m sure. It was a Wednesday and the last day of March. The weather was typical of early spring in these parts: overcast with a few beams of sunshine.

As he grew we desired to add to our family and see him become a big brother. In fact, we wanted lots of children. We would discover along our journey many painful reports of infertility. We went through in-vitro fertilization 4 times. The third time we became pregnant but then had an early miscarriage. We also prepared for a year for an adoption trip to Russia that ended in failure. Our hearts broke over and over as we struggled to understand why nothing seemed to work out for us. And yet, we had a son who was growing before our eyes. At one time we were able to create life which gave us so much hope for the future, but now life felt replete with heartbreak and discouragement.

In correlation with this discouragement and the setbacks of our efforts, the day of my son’s birth has morphed into the miracle it was always meant to be. Viewing it as a long ways from typical at this point, I see his birth much differently. I embrace him and offer thanks each day for I am more acquainted now with the odds of us conceiving. I also realize that we could go bankrupt trying and still be where we started so I should be content with what we’ve been given. But most of all, I feel grateful because what once felt average now feels awe-inspiring. What once was ordinary is now anything but — we were given a gift that day. A gift so special it would never be repeated or imitated. A miraculous gift that I plan on celebrating for the rest of my life.

From Mariah Wickham.