Infertility

I've tried a million times to put into words exactly how I feel about our infertility. Finally for the first time, someone has said it perfectly for me. I know there are many women (and husbands) out there who struggle with similar issues, my heart goes out to you. This is a never-ending trial and best thing I know to do is try to stay positive, happy, and grateful for what I DO have.... even when I want to be mad, bitter, angry, jealous, and just plain sad and depressed. Infertility doesn't just go away, even when you have babies by some other means than creating them yourself. Infertility starts to define you and who you are as a person, every, single, day, of your existence. I can honestly say that there is NOT one single day that goes by that I don't think about getting pregnant, being pregnant, or having a baby. I'm pretty sure my entire life will be like that.  It goes against every fiber of my being to not know why my body isn't working, when it's done it before! It drives me absolutely crazy. 

 Don't get me wrong.... I'm not trying to sound pitiful. Just having one of those days.......

We are SO blessed, and I have an indescribable joy being a mother to my beautiful boys. I love every minute of it. Families are created in all sorts of ways and for that I'm grateful. We are so lucky, we have what many other couples do not. I am so grateful that I have had the experience of both, adopting and having a biological child. What a blessing and a miracle!

Love this article, I've tried to express these feelings to so many people, and she says it wonderfully. Hope you enjoy! Here's the link in case you're curious! 

A View of Birth from an Infertile Womb by Mariah Wickham

January 25, 2012

 

Heart-in-hand gloves by Yastik izi.

I gave birth 7 1/2 years ago. It was an ordinary labor and delivery, free of complications. Because it was my first, the 10 hours it took from start to finish felt average and acceptable. My boy came screaming into this world weighing 8 lbs. 7 oz at 10:14 am. My husband and I beamed from ear to ear, but no different than other first time parents I’m sure. It was a Wednesday and the last day of March. The weather was typical of early spring in these parts: overcast with a few beams of sunshine.

As he grew we desired to add to our family and see him become a big brother. In fact, we wanted lots of children. We would discover along our journey many painful reports of infertility. We went through in-vitro fertilization 4 times. The third time we became pregnant but then had an early miscarriage. We also prepared for a year for an adoption trip to Russia that ended in failure. Our hearts broke over and over as we struggled to understand why nothing seemed to work out for us. And yet, we had a son who was growing before our eyes. At one time we were able to create life which gave us so much hope for the future, but now life felt replete with heartbreak and discouragement.

In correlation with this discouragement and the setbacks of our efforts, the day of my son’s birth has morphed into the miracle it was always meant to be. Viewing it as a long ways from typical at this point, I see his birth much differently. I embrace him and offer thanks each day for I am more acquainted now with the odds of us conceiving. I also realize that we could go bankrupt trying and still be where we started so I should be content with what we’ve been given. But most of all, I feel grateful because what once felt average now feels awe-inspiring. What once was ordinary is now anything but — we were given a gift that day. A gift so special it would never be repeated or imitated. A miraculous gift that I plan on celebrating for the rest of my life.

From Mariah Wickham.

"but i've been dying for a wii!!"

We couldn't resist. We knew Will REALLY wanted a Wii for Christmas but we kept telling him that he couldn't get one. So we decided we would trick him into thinking he didn't get a Wii.... it was pretty funny. I love this video... it's going to be a classic!

a little bit of sunshine in the middle of winter

Okay, honestly? This winter has been so weird. Where is the snow??? I'm all thrown off kilter without the snow, the storms, and the COLD weather. It still feels like we have to stay inside all the time just because it's WINTER, so it was so fun to receive this delicious box of AZ citrus last week! These are super fresh, picked from the tree and sent that day. Yum, yum. We've been eating to our hearts content, the oranges, two kinds of grapefruit, and super sweet lemons (for my diet pepsi) :)

a very merry christmas

We had a wonderful Christmas! It was by far one of my most favorite and memorable Holiday seasons. I felt like I was able to do so many fun things with my kids. We had a lot of fun doing our advent calendar and visiting family. It was a whirlwind, but it was great. Scott was done with work on Wednesday the 21st so we cleaned the house and took off to Logan for a few days. We played and stayed up way too late but had a fun time visiting.

On Friday morning, we left Logan with my parents and headed home. Along the way we were able to stop by see Del and Cheryl (Eli's biological sister's family). It was great (as usual) to see them and give them our gifts. They spoiled us as well. Then we headed to Kneaders for lunch, stopped quick at our house to unload the boys' new beds! Finally! The boys have beds! They love them and they look so cute in their room.

Then we headed up to West Valley to the Hale Theater to see A Christmas Carol. It was amazing! We had such a fun time. Scott's parents met us there with my parents. It was such a great time, I'm so glad we did it. Afterward, we headed home for some snacking and chatting. :) Both our parents stayed over night, so on Christmas Eve morning I made a big yummy breakfast. I made stuffed French Toast which was divine and sausage, hash-browns, and fruit. It was a great way to begin Christmas! Christmas Eve night, we went to the hospital and sang carols and had Will play his violin. Then we headed up to SLC to see the lights on Temple Square. It was chilly, but so beautiful. The boys enjoyed all the lights and nativities and the big Christmas Trees. I just loved being with my little family and taking in the moments!

After Temple Square, it was back home for tortilla soup and Christmas Eve PJ's! We read the nativity story in Luke 2, had a family prayer and then opened PJ's. The boys insisted that they sleep in their sleeping bags in our room. After they fell asleep, we (Scott and I plus my parents) watched A Christmas Story. It's a classic! We love that movie!

 Christmas morning was great. We have church at 9am, so we let the boys open their stockings and then we had to get ready for church. We had a great musical program and I found myself wishing that Christmas was on a Sunday every year. It was a great way to start the best day of the year. Taking the sacrament and remembering our Savior's birth. After church, we rushed back home to put back on our PJ's and open presents.

 The boys were more than happy with their gifts this year! Will was shocked and suprised with his Wii and Eli was super content and excited about his trains and train table. Eli didn't really know what was going on and it took him all day to catch on that there were fun things inside his gifts.

 After we opened gifts, we made a yummy dinner. We had a pasta bar with skewered tortellini with creamy pesto dipping sauce, baked ravioli with marinara, and fettucini with homemade alfredo. It was super yummy. We also had a big green salad, roasted asparagus, and frozen fruit salad. It was delish!

 I thought our table turned out so pretty I loved it. We had yummy sparkling cider in apple and pear and the touch of white green looked so festive! I made our napkin rings (thanks Stacey!!) and I thought they turned out great. My mom gave me her china and I couldn't wait to use it. I think it is so beautiful and just perfect, something I would pick out for myself. It looked really pretty with the red and green.

 For the kiddos, they got lingon berry juice boxes and they got to use my bird plates. It was such a fun day!!! After dinner, my sister and brother and their families stayed and hung out for the afternoon/evening. We played games, ate more food (of course!) and chatted for hours.

Christmas was a great day. It is so fun with kids I absolutely love it! The day after Christmas we got to see our friends from OH. It was SO fun to see them and visit with them. We miss them so much! I'm so glad they were able to make time for us. :)

On Tuesday after Christmas, we cleaned and packed up the house again and headed up to the cabin. Unfortunately we were having so much fun at the cabin that I took ZERO pictures. We were at the cabin all week and had a blast. We played in the snow, went sledding, watched lots of movies, played the Wii, and made lots of yummy food. The kids love the cabin and love playing with their cousins. We just loved hanging out and not having a schedule. We played games and just had a lot of fun with everyone. We left the cabin headed for Logan on Saturday. Spent the night at Glenn and Martha's and then went to my parents farewell on Sunday morning. We had dinner with my family and hung out there for awhile and then on Monday, Scott's mom had a family party at her house. After THAT, we were finally on our way home.

This week we have been trying to recover and get back into the swing of things! It was a fabulous holiday and we loved every minute.... even though we were busy and traveling, it was wonderful.

Merry Christmas all and I hope your new year is going great!